We all know the feeling of wanting to belong and not be isolated.

It’s a necessity. Human beings need a sense of acceptance, within a group or community.

As children, we will morph ourselves into whatever pleases our parents the most. We continue this morphing process with any group we want to belong to.

Imagine the shock, when the parents we are working so hard to please, get upset with us! As children, we don’t see the inner issues driving our parents to be critical and shaming.

“No,” the child thinks ” It must be me. There must be something wrong with me.”

Creep (Radiohead) – Scala & Kolacny Brothers from Alex Heller on Vimeo.

This underlying belief, causes us to feel we need to fix whatever is wrong with us.  If we “fix” us, we can fix them. Never be rejected or abandoned. Never be bullied. Perfect.

It’s a destination you never reach.

As this disturbing, yet wonderful video portrays so well.

It doesn’t work. Sure, maybe our arms aren’t physically being torn off.  But cruel words and being “shut-out” are just as painful and debilitating.

The fact is, there is nothing “wrong” with us.

We just weren’t allowed to be who we truly are and express our true nature. We became someone else. This becomes a problem, as we start identifying with this false self and believing this is who we truly are. 

That’s when we go into battle with ourselves. Because eventually, our real self tries to emerge, and we feel the discomfort of being different.

Like the doll, we don’t want to feel the pain of being excluded.

We try to be someone else and we feel the pain of that instead. The feeling of boredom, agitation, less than or better than. Never enough. 

In the new paradigm of self-help, it is becomes more about self-alignment.

Discovering who you really are is the quest here. Getting beyond the beliefs of who you think you are, and re-aligning with your True Self and your True Nature.


Pat Novak is an Intuitive Counselor, Founder of True Nature Concepts and creator of  The Alignment Code.


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10 Responses to Is Your Need To Belong Killing “You” ?

  1. missymonline says:

    WOW!! Excellent, EXCELLENT post!!

  2. freckle_lips says:

    Even as an adult I can remember this feeling like it was yesterday. I saw the video for the first time this weekend and it hit me hard. As a mother I try to correct the mistakes my parents made, and their parents – but I know it isn’t fullproof. I just hope my daughter can never relate to these same feelings.

  3. Pat Novak / New Reality Specialist says:

    @@freckle_lips I so understand how you feel Sammi ! ( me too ) We want to avoid the mistakes our parents made and hope our children never have to suffer. But, we will make mistakes simply because we aren’t “perfect” and the world isn’t always kind, So, a good healthy dose of self-acceptance and self-love, accepting themselves as “enough”, will carry them through those times and beyond. And having a mom like you! Owning my own imperfections really helped my daughter understand the process.

  4. kprophet.darkeros says:

    Wow, Pat! I haven’t seen this video before! Its AMAZING! and so is your post!! Thank you for writing such a vitally important and TRUUUUUEE piece!! how many of us have felt this? do we all think… only I? My core wound is around this… seeing myself as a cryptic creatura. Experiencing myself as ‘different’. And how could we all not be ‘different’? Somehow our social mores are what place a ‘norm’ for us all to aspire to, so to be loved… yet for which most of us do not fit. Every young woman I meet has this pang. I know my sons have gone through periods of this as well, (20, 22, 25) but something about their egos (testosterone perhaps?) they seem to be a bit more resilient. And I know that is not always the case. But women… especially as it has to do with their bodies. Yet not just that alone.

    I have felt these old phantoms rise in the context of BSchool. I am older and wiser and know how to navigate through these complexes. But it still poses challenges I need to face.

    haha… as you know I am on a Sabbatical… but your title of this post was irresistible! I am glad I took the time out! xo

  5. DeniseDuffield-Thomas says:

    What an amazing video, it’s so creepy with their smiles – and yes, some people will try and tear you down in the guise of being “supportive” or “just looking out for you”.

    Beautiful post too Pat – it really resonated with me.

  6. stormita says:

    Hi Pat, This song was first presented to me by a boyfriend on a mixed tape when it first came out. He loved it. I hated it. As a kid who never felt like she fit in growing up, it was just too much for me, too much of a reminder of how being different made me feel. While, I came to embrace my individuality in college, I found that I also had to figure out how to be myself as an adult when I got out into the work world (and, again, didn’t quite fit in). Leaving the work world to start my own business and connect with others like me was liberating. Thank you for your post.

  7. FreeaSarti says:

    I have always loved this song! I work with artists, am an artist myself and have always surrounded myself with artists….A group that often does not get their “passions” validated by their parents and teachers. I have had friends who worked in the law profession leave it to pursue art full time and I have watch their parents cringe and act as if it is going to cause them a heart attack…AND this herding into the mainstream that is so stifling and causes our feathers to be crumpled….starts in childhood as parents encourage and reward academics much more than creativity…Or reward it, but convince their children they could NEVER make a living doing it, because it will not pay the bills It can be so debilitating when you are afraid to be who you really are, due to your parents or peers critical and/or unaccepting behavior. There is an amazing group going in to school and teaching them how to NOT be bullies….will look for it and pass it on if I find it again. Powerful Post! TY

  8. laurie.rosenfeld says:

    Wow Pat! This is a powerful companions post to a creepy video and disturbing song! The video and the song are both new to me. What you write resonates completely. Love your focus on self-alignment. It’s so important to align with the essence of who we are and to remember that we are enough just as we are. Important post!

  9. Pat Novak / New Reality Specialist says:

    Hi @laurie.rosenfeld The name of the song is “Creep” by Radiohead. Pretty much an anthem for those who have been the outsider. This version was done by an all-girl choir and featured in the movie “The Social Network”.

    I’m glad you like like the article.

  10. missymonline says:

    Yeah, the message in the song “Creep” is one that EVERYONE can empathize with at some point or another. It’s a pretty well known song;)

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