Fortunately for me, my last love (and heartbreak) catapulted me into my feelings and my feminine self. By connecting with that part of myself, everything changed. Instead of closing my heart, it broke my heart open.
This is important, because it allowed me to finally touch, the deeper emotional needs and patterns driving me. The same ones which lead us all, down the brokenhearted path, rather than the “they both lived happily ever after…”. And make us deny and almost hate our feelings.
A Library of Relationship Do’s and Don’ts.
The first time my heart was really broken, I read everything I could to find out what went wrong. I became an intellectual library of relationship do’s and don’ts. Toxic men, doormat women, I knew it all.
Determined not repeat those mistakes, I wrapped my heart with protective layers of “red flags” to watch out for. Self-loving affirmations, a ton of “you go girl” actions and back-up plans.
Armed with all this great knowledge I was ready for my next relationship! So what happened?
My heart fell in love with “not the best choice” once again. Even though my head did the best it could not to allow it. I’ve seen this scenario play itself out many times with other intelligent and wonderful women. What happens to us?
The Heart Has It’s Reasons.
First thing you need to understand, “the heart has its reasons.” They are not the same as your head’s, who is usually in charge.
My feeling self (i.e. my heart) knew I wasn’t listening to her.
Her voice is: I need and want love. Connection. Emotional expression and safety. I need to love and be loving. To feel the warmth of “belonging”. Discovering and truly knowing someone and allowing them to know me.
My logical self (i. e. my head) was saying, “Watch out, stay independent. Don’t be vulnerable. Show him how great you are. Show him you don’t need him. Show him how “in control ” and smart you are. Make him prove himself to you. Let him know there are plenty of other men out there.”
You Can’t Fall In Love If You Stay In Your Head.
Ah well, do you see the dilemma? You can’t fall in love if you stay in your head. If you pretend you aren’t vulnerable. If you’re not accustomed to being in your feelings and expressing them, it just doesn’t work.
Your Heart, feeling desperate because you aren’t listening to what she wants, starts to go a little crazy.
Your stuffed down feelings take over and we know what happens then. The cool, independent and sophisticated women you are, falls apart. You become the needy, desperate and even psycho case, you never want to be. And no one goes home happy.
Because both will drive any sane man away. One is too prickly and doesn’t need him, The other is too needy and has no sense of self. The player and bad boy have already left. The good, but often clueless man, will stick around trying to make it work. But he panics and runs, because he’s not sure how to deal with his own feelings, much less your tidal wave.
Your Feelings Are Not Your Enemy
So, the last time my heart was broken, I took a good look at my heart. I realized we needed to get intimate with each other. We needed to learn what each other needed and was saying.
I needed to learn to listen to my heart and stop breaking it by not listening.
You realize your heart’s needs are important and maybe, you don’t quite know how to get those needs met yet. Maybe your heart keeps picking the wrong guy to love. Trusts the wrong people. She won’t stop being drawn to them unless you begin understanding why. Unless you both start working together as a team. Rather than seeing your feelings as the enemy.
This is only the first step. There are more steps which I’ll share with you. Just understand: We break our own hearts, before anyone else does.