The Default Adult – An Introduction
default : failure to be present.
A good friend, who I have known for years, was telling me a story. Mid-story, I looked at him funny and said, “What are talking about? This isn’t you!”
He just looked at me and said, “Yeah it is. What do you mean?
“I know you and you would never say that !” I exclaimed.
Since I was a good friend, this caused him to pause a minute and think about it.
( the trick here is *the pause. )
Then he looked at me and said, “My God, you’re right! That’s not me talking, that’s my Dad! That’s what he thinks. Man, that’s crazy!” Shaking his head wondering what just happened.
What just happened is, my friend went into his Default Adult.
The Default Adult, is where you go and who you become, when you fail to be present in your own life.
I created the term Default Adult, to help my clients identify when, who they truly are, was no longer present. When they had defaulted into their subconscious programming. Which is comprised of the beliefs, emotional patterns and attitudes, parents and society instilled in you during your formative years. You are seeing and experiencing the world, through the prism of the past or an imagined future. Rather than the real and present moment.
A Client may be sharing a story or an experience, when I feel the need to say, “Where did you go?”
I intuitively have felt them leave. What does this feel like?
It feels like who you really are, your true essence, is not there.
The you who needs to be doing the thinking and the feeling. Who needs to be doing the imagining and the conscious choosing, has gone on automatic pilot. You’re are not thinking or feeling anymore. You’re just reacting, or reciting back to me some script from the past or another person or group’s rhetoric.
You have abandoned yourself and gone into default thinking and feelings. Learned patterns of behavior you automatically default to out of fear, habit or simply, never questioning them.
Sometimes it feels like you are just numb or in some dark hole. Your energy feels dead, your eyes vacant or far off. You could be looking straight at me, but you are not seeing me, because “you” are not there. This can be felt as disassociation from your feelings or your own body.
The Default Adult sometimes is called ” the social norm”. Or what is expected or demanded of you, by others. Rather than expressing your authentic self.
It is just getting by. It is avoiding conflict at all costs. It is always being nice. It is what you did to be approved of or to survive.
Unfortunately, for many of us, that meant dimming down our light. It meant, denying what you really think and what you really feel, so you could fit in. Even denying what you really feel to yourself. It is not being authentic, courageous or committed.
The opposite of the Default Adult is the Conscious Adult. Even better, the Conscious/Spiritual Adult.That is the you who is conscious, present and in the moment. Who is centered in their spiritual self, and very attuned and comfortable with their own thoughts and feelings. Or simply put, the more real you.
This is who we often lose when we are always busy doing, achieving and interacting.
It is who you gain, when you take time to push in the clutch, disengage from the world and take time to pause.
Pat Novak ~ Creator of *the Pause.
A process guaranteed to get you present and in the moment.
Coming next : The Default Adult – Gets Triggered
” If you can’t be with the one you love, love the one you’re with.” – Stephen Stills
Even In my crazy teen years, when this song came out,
I knew it was all kinds of wrong.
I loved the song. I understood the sentiment. I tried “free love”.
It just made my commitment-phobic world even worse.
I already had a hard time understanding relationships.
I was either too co-dependent ( I need you to live ).
Or I was too independent. ( I don’t need anyone ).
Two sides of the same coin.
Love confused. Relationship Impaired. Whatever you want to call it.
I finally learned what my problem was.
I didn’t love myself.
I’m talking about “real ” love .
Not the Narcissistic kind. ( False Love ) I hung out there for awhile.
Or the Spiritual kind. ( Love of Self ) Which is good and got me out of the Narcissism.
But the Human kind. Really loving yourself at the core, human flaws and all.
That was trickier.
I jumped into my Spiritual Self and could love myself in there.
Because after all, what’s not to love?
My Spiritual Self is very loving. I mean VERrrry Lov~ing.
This inner self is wise, forgiving, non-materialistic, intuitive and makes miracles happen.
You need to connect with this Inner Self.
But guess who this Inner Self kept bumping into?
As soon as the meditations would end.
Or the affirmations began to sound stale.
Who did I bump into when Reality’s push came to shove?
That’s right, my Human Self. Who had human needs, got her feelings hurt,
was really pissed off sometimes and all those ego things we aren’t suppose to be, right?
Oh it gets so complicated.
Bottom-line: Your Inner Spiritual Journey takes you up the mountain.
Where you learn essential Spiritual truths.
But the rest of the journey, is coming down that mountain.
Back here, where you actually need to apply what you’ve learned in Earth-time baby.
Guess where you need to start with all that Spiritual stuff ?
That’s right, YOU.
That Human ” you “, you probably went up the mountain to escape in the first place.
Loving yourself means getting intimate. ( Love who you’re with is you. ).
Spending time with yourself and getting to know who you are.
What you’re thinking, how you feel and what you need.
Instead of numbing yourself with endless pursuits and/or mindless affirmations
that don’t even touch the real core of your being.
( Oh how we numb ourselves, let me count the ways ).
During this discovery process, you won’t like everything you find. That’s ok.
You’ll also find things which will amaze you.
Until you love yourself,
you really can’t love anyone else.
And no one else can love you .
It’s a daily process. Some days are better than others.
But it’s how you begin the magic.
The Magic of Creating a Reality You Love.
And one that loves you back.